sincerely, vm

to whom it may concern,

2012-01-10T10:13:00.000-08:00

Happy new year, or whatever!

It turns out that the less time you waste complaining about your life on the internet, the more time you have to actually do something about it. This is something I realized sometime in December and have begun to live out, and not as some sort of new year's resolution or anything, just as a new way to live my life. I've skipped writing one or two of these here letters since then. And to tell you the truth, as much as I don't want to admit it, the times I want to write the letters are when I feel crappy and under-appreciated. But when I look at my life, I really enjoy it.

I mean, some of the best things are happening right now. I met a beautiful woman who makes me very happy. I have an abundance of time to spend alone. I've got a car to drive and a smartphone to use and a parent who pays my cell phone bill and a family who loves me. I've got a bed to sleep in and a five bedroom house that I currently reside in alone most of the time. I live with my best friend, and even though he plays drums for the wrong band, I still love him. My camera still works, my computer still works, my pens and pencils still work, my brain still works. I have books to read, lots of books, and I read slowly so I will have them to read for the next couple years. After a few weeks of this positive thinking, I bought a new guitar, the exact guitar I wanted, for half the list price, and now that is something to think positively about. I've got friends who may not be around but care enough to wish me happy birthday (even a day or two late!). I am another year older, older, older.

I've still got some issues to work out and there are still things that bum me out, but why should I waste my time telling you when I can get up and make the change myself? So here's to making change. Here's to getting up and going outside, or staying home and learning to enjoy it. Here's to less sad things and more happy things. Here's to finally understanding that posting things like "so bored, let's hang out" on social networks leads to absolutely zero results in the short run or the long run.

sincerely,

dear lion,

2011-10-30T15:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I climbed to the roof of our two-story house and read Sylvia Plath. Apparently that sounds extremely depressing, but I promise it was anything but. It was a nice day out.

I've been reading a lot lately. I guess it comes with being out of school, only working part-time, and living twenty miles from anyone I might actually hang out with. I read lots of comic books (thanks Ryan), graphic novels, and poetry. I tried to read C.S. Lewis a few weeks ago, but couldn't make it past the first chapter. So I returned it to the library and got more graphic novels and poetry. The thing I love about comic books and graphic novels is that I can tell people that I read them because I enjoy the art. And a lot of the time, that is true. But something that I don't tell people is that my attention has been getting worse and that large words and over-sized blocks of text have begun to confuse me and make my brain hurt. I wish I was exaggerating. I get lost in long sentences. I feel sick when a thought isn't complete after one page. I don't know what is happening to me, but I hope it stops soon. I'm waiting for my next paycheck so I can buy the new "Best American Short Stories", although I am so afraid that I will become overwhelmed by them as well. I love short stories, and I can't imagine I will ever not be able to read them. I hope I'm right.

(To clarify, when I say graphic novels I don't only mean of the superhero sort, but mostly of the serious sort. Some great ones I've read recently are "That Salty Air" by Tim Sievert, "Embroideries" by Marjane Satrapi, and "Thoreau at Walden" by John Porcellino, which is sort of an illustrated version of Walden by Thoreau. If only I could find a graphic novels of C.S. Lewis' work.)

Having so much alone time has caused me to become dependent on things like the internet and television, so I've been trying to step away from that more and more. It's tough, because who in the world doesn't want to be lazy? I've been trying to do more self-directed art and design projects. I've been attempting to leave my phone in my room while I go downstairs to hang out with my roommates or read or something. In the same way, I've been trying to get away from always being on my computer, or at least the internet. Tonight I'm going to eat at a restaurant I dislike (for my friend's birthday) just because I want to go out. A long time ago I posted on my photo blog about how I was trying to say yes more, to live and experience more. I lost that for a while, but I want so much for that to be my mindset again. I don't want to be a downer or a pessimist. I just want to have fun. Now that I've finally paid off my debts to everyone I owe (I hope) I have been able to save money and can eat more than ramen, so who cares if it's food from a terrible restaurant? It will be with my friends, and that is what matters most.

I wish this letter was as deep and inspiring as my last letter. It's not. There have been a lot of ups and downs since then. I still have my struggles with anxiety and dreams and so on, but there are some very good things going on as well. I can't say that life is perfect right now, but I can say that it is only as good as you let it be.

So, in words I know you'll appreciate, just "let it be, let it be, let it be."

sincerely,

dear owl,

2011-06-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

For the first time in almost year I have slept in a real bed. Then I took a nap, too. This may be surprising to hear, but I'm actually looking forward to sleeping tonight. Now, don't get me wrong, I still think sleep is a huge waste of time, but I am really happy about not having a broken back or a misaligned spine or whatever I've been doing to my future-self for the past year.

While it may be too soon to tell...okay, it is definitely too early to tell, but anyway...I think this "having a real bed" thing is going to be good for me in more ways than just physically. I've already begun to realize that sleeping on a pull out couch (or the couch not-pulled-out, or the floor many nights) and trying to maintain my room-as-an-office atmosphere was contributing to and reinforcing a feeling of impermanence. I created this idea in myself that my time here was temporary, not just in this apartment, but in my life.* Ironically, I will be moving out in less than two months, so I haven't let myself start feeling permanent just yet. The truth is that the way I've been dealing with school and relationships with new and old friends alike and especially my spirituality has been very selfish and unfair. I've been constantly looking forward to "what's next" and not devoted time or energy to what is here, now, right in front of me. I'm sure you can agree with this much, and in no way did I mean for this to be some kind of excuse/apology letter, but I hope you can forgive me all the same.

I don't believe that this temporal feeling stemmed from simply sleeping on a couch-bed. As I said, I believe it reinforced the feeling. I think the original reason for it has to do with many of my fears from the previous year, most of which came from losing a few important friends and spending much of my summer alone. In all honesty, I think I wanted things to be impermanent. I couldn't stand that the things I wanted to keep forever didn't last and that there was nothing I could do about it, so I began treating everything as if it would be here for only a minute and gone in another. I didn't let myself get attached. Unfortunately, I think it cost me a lot of potentially great friendships. I think it has also kept me from really getting a routine down, especially one that includes time for praying and reading the Bible. I haven't built a solid relationship with a local church either, convincing myself that I don't have time. As simple and cliché as it is, the phrase "carpe diem" is one that I should have taken to heart a lot sooner. Or maybe "carpe dium" is a better one. Ha. Either way, I know that I have not lived enough in this past year. I have been too willing to let things get away, just as they inevitably will. I've given up fighting and just began watching, waiting, hoping that good things would just happen but not striving to look for them or caring when they never did.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is this is my letter of resignation to the way I've been living and my official declaration to rejoin the fight. Maybe it's a little too late, but I'm going to seize the rest of my days here for what they're worth. I'm going to miss the crap out of my friends when they leave for a weekend. I'm going to hold onto their ankles while they try to walk out of my life and cry when they shake me loose and shut the door. I'm going to take risks, maybe take a girl on a date, kiss her, and not apologize for it. Then I'll go home and pray or read the Bible or just watch an episode of Happy Endings without ever touching my stupid phone. I'll turn the danged thing off when I go to the river. I will go to the river. I'll take off my shirt at the river, and maybe even jump in despite my extreme dislike of cold water. I will realize that all good things don't just happen on their own, that I need to get out there and make them happen. I will accept the fact that I am going to lose people for whatever reason and that I may only be in this place for a little while longer without letting it dictate my life and the way I live, or maybe let it influence me to embrace what I have while it lasts. I will love you. I will love myself. I will love my life, day by ever-loving day.

sincerely,

*This should not be confused with the "I'm just passing through" mindset one might have as a Christian looking forward to heaven. That attitude has shaped my life in different ways than I have intended in this letter.

dear Kevin Moffett,

2011-05-14T16:42:00.000-07:00

This is my first letter to a stranger. After reading your story Further Interpretations of Real-Life Events, I didn't not feel some magical, unexplainable connection to you. In fact, if you are anything like the character you wrote (who was the one writing the story), then we may be two very different people with little in common. However, I did have several deep thoughts while reading it, and came to a few conclusions about my own life. For that I thank you, and that is the reason I am addressing this to you.

***

I'm not sure how to say this without sounding cliché, so I'll just say it and ask you to be patient with me as I explain. Love is something that I don't think anyone is able to understand or fully explain. It seems that once you think you've figured it out, something changes and you're back at square one. Sometimes you don't even realize that something which contradicts your entire love-belief system is right in front of you and has been your entire life. Or sometimes it's something new entirely.

I used to scoff at people who said things like, "I believe that you can fall in love with more than one person." It has always been such a silly notion. I felt that falling in love meant a mutual love, something that could never be broken, and so once you fall in love, that's it. No more lovers after that. This is why whenever asked if I've been in love I am quick to say no. Of course not. Sure, I may have believed I was in love at the time, but when it was all said and done I could look back in hindsight and see why I wasn't in love. Things not working out means no possible love. Right? Well, then today I read your short story. It's not like I've never read or heard a story about a parent whose loses their partner to death and subsequently remarries, and I have definitely seen it on television or in movies. But something about the way the father is in your story caused me to think more about this. I guess because he was so calm, and seemed to be so wise despite the son's early ignorance to it all. It made me want to think more about every situation to see what I could uncover myself.

The main thing I noticed about Frederick (Sr.) is, though it is never stated outright, how he loves his second wife. He loves her, but he never conceals the fact that he still loves his first wife as well. To him, love does not stop just because things don't work out, just because she is dead. Yet he did not let that love keep him from finding a new love. And it is because he is able to separate the two from each other that his new wife does not feel cheated or anything silly like that. When I came to this conclusion, I then began to wonder, Yes, but his wife died. What if she was still alive? Would that be a different story? I think it would be in most ways, but one thing that gets overlooked is how loyal love can be. His second wife could take comfort in the fact that he knows not how to give up on love. That love can endure. I think that if you have a significant other that will show that much commitment to a past love, you should not be worried, yet you should delight in the fact that he or she is with you now, committing their present love to you, and if you ever feel unloved then that is your own fault. This person knows how to love and will not stop simply because you moved on or did something bad or are dead. Whether or not your marriage or relationship works out is a different story, but to have someone love you without end, no matter what...that is something worth living for.

These thoughts inevitably brought me to look at my own life, and at my mother, who has been divorced since I've been in any kind of public school. I wonder about her, raising three children alone, never really finding love. It's not something I've ever given much thought to. I'm curious to know if she ever felt like she was "in love" with our father. And if so, did she ever stop feeling that way or has that feeling continued on despite the turmoil between them? These are questions that will remain unanswered. There's not much point in asking them except to kill my curiosity. I wonder, if she was never in love, why she never found it. Was it God's plan for her to never experience true love? Why? Is there still time? As much as my first conclusion, derived from your second-hand, probably fictional story, made me hopeful and happy, this second conclusion, from my own life, has made me a little sad. Could it be we can go through life on a search for something that is to never be ours? Is true love something that is our choice, is it up to fate/chance/luck, or is it entirely orchestrated by God? Yes I believe in God, and yes I believe that if he doesn't want me to fall in love then I will surely survive and not care when I am dead, but I am not sure I will ever be able to give up hope in it.

So love. True love. Can it happen more than once? Perhaps. I'm beginning to lean toward yes, although I do not think it wise for anyone to test the limits. Once is enough. Can it never happen at all? Sadly, yes. There is something greater to live for in this life, but I will not say that this is not at all a sad fact.

sincerely,

P.S. When you said that Fred (Sr.) learned some exercises to help him control his dreams, was this entirely made up or is that real? I would certainly like to know. Thanks.

to whom it may concern,

2011-04-16T10:11:00.001-07:00

I have some questions:

Why am I always the last to text?
Why am I always the first to start a facebook/skype chat?
Why do I usually hear about plans through my roommate?
Why am I not always invited?
Why won't you go out of your way to talk to/hang out with me?
Why don't you come over to my place for a change?
Why is it okay to flake on me?
Why do I care so much?

I ask myself these questions, but I keep coming up with the same answers. So rather than write another depression-filled letter, I just want to know the real answers. Be honest with me.

sincerely,

dear you,

2011-03-28T01:01:00.000-07:00

Getting close to you terrifies me.

sincerely,

to whom it may concern,

2011-03-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

My mind is a wild jungle and there is nothing you can do about it.

***

I really hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. This is something that has set up camp in my jungle mind more than once in the past few years. It's not always easy to think about, but then sometimes it is, and that's what scares me. That it makes sense. That I could do it easily and without conviction. Couldn't I?

Here's what I'm thinking: after college, I want to move away from here, leave my friends and my life, everyone and everything I know, and start over fresh. Anathallo. To begin, to renew, to grow again.

Sometimes I believe that I need to start over. I've done things in my past that I'm not proud of, and then there are the things that still haunt me today. Is it possible to leave those things behind? And then I wonder about you, about all of my friends. I think that if our friendship was really worth something that you would seek me out, but then again, that doesn't even happen now. If you don't care enough now, why would you care when I'm a hundred or more miles away? For too long I've been a man who finds purpose in having friends, and it's been tougher than it sounds. I'm the guy who is friends with everyone, so maybe that deters you from calling to hang out because you think I have plans. I'm tired of being lonely. If I can get away and re-grow, maybe I'll learn to embrace being alone (and maybe even single) and I'll never be lonely again.

Granted, I haven't been as lonely recently as usual. This blog has been fueled more by my recent bouts with anxiety than loneliness. I wonder if starting over would help the anxiety or make it worse.

The truth is I could never leave you. Not without regrets anyway, and I guess as long as I have my regrets, I will always have my past. I wish this could end on a better note, like "I would never leave you" or "why would I ever want to leave you?" but sometimes life just isn't like that. It's not that I don't like you, it's that I don't like myself so much right now. You understand.

sincerely,

dear josh,

2011-01-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know if we were ever best friends, but I know that for a time you were my closest friend.

I wish I had a best friend. I don't know what it's really like to have a best friend, someone to share things with at any time for any reason. I guess that's my own fault really. I don't like to talk about my problems for fear of ruining the flow of conversation, and I've lost entirely too many friends from putting a weight on them that they never asked to carry. It's hard, but I've learned you can't make anyone be your best friend. One must find another who is not only willing to listen, but who is eager to listen. Do you think the way girls talk about their best friends is how it really is? You know, they say that they can talk about anything and everything, and they do everything together, and they finish each other's sentences and wear each other's clothes and are just...always there. That would be amazing.

A huge problem that has me worried right now is the anxiety I've been feeling every time I'm around a large number of people. It's begun to make me very uncomfortable, which you know is not normal. I don't know what I'd do at a local LJ show. I might freak out. This anxiety has been around for a while, but in different areas of my life. I never expected it to show up where I'm most comfortable. I love hanging out with friends. I love meeting new people. I love when two groups of my friends get to know each other and merge into one group. Or, at least I thought I did. It's all becoming more and more overwhelming each time, and I don't know what to do about it. I hate being alone, but I'm afraid to hang out. And when I am hanging out, I don't want to just leave because it will raise too many questions which will only worsen the anxiety.

I need peace.

I need someone who is eager.

sincerely,

dear you,

2011-01-11T14:46:00.000-08:00

It's weird how things can change depending on perspective. You might receive a few random texts from me and think he's so cute or you could think he's such a pest. I could buy you dinner and you might say "Oh thanks, you didn't have to do that," or you might tell me, "I can pay for my own food, thank you."

Oh, the joys of pursual.

***

There's a lot running through my head right now. And I wish I could explain it, but I've been sitting here for over an hour trying to put it into words and nothing is coming out. Maybe you should just call me.

I'm not in some depressing emotional mood or anything. Just realized some truths that I wanted to get out, but now I don't know how. Maybe this is all that needs to be said:

I like you, but I can't date you.

Like I said, I wish I could explain it, but I can't. If I figure out how, I'll write again later. I just had to get this out before I cause you any more problems.

Sorry.

sincerely,

to whom it may concern,

2010-12-26T10:15:00.000-08:00

I promised you that I would be as honest as possible, and it's been over a month since I've written. Inevitably, this letter will contain the "why's" and "what's".

***

This past semester of college was a particularly tough one, finding me up all night or getting very little sleep for full weeks most of the time. It definitely stretched me thin and brought me right to the edge, but I endured and would like to think I am better for it. I pulled out a 3.25 for the semester, which is better than I expected, but also not as good as it could've been. Also, I am not looking forward to next semester. 15 class hours + project time outside of class + working to pay bills + making time for important things like spiritual life and friends = practically impossible. We'll see how that goes.

Yes, school has been out for a week and a half or so. The reason I haven't written yet is because MY LIFE NEVER STOPS. I have been trying to just relax this break, maybe do nothing when I can, but I've also been keeping busy, because I don't particularly like doing nothing. As I write this, even, I feel like I should be out doing something instead of writing you. But I want you to know that you're important and I haven't forgotten about you.

A few things I've been doing:

-finished editing a wedding I shot back in September

-worked on writing/recording music (not much progress there, but a little)

-took photos for my friends' band Tactics

-shopped for gifts

-drove "home" and back for this little thing called Christmas

...along with several other things along the way. Oh, and I played soccer a few days ago for the first time in a long time. I haven't been able to work out all semester because, as I've said, I was very busy. So let me tell you, my legs hurt so bad the past two days, and still today. And my ribs even hurt. Not sure why, but they do.

Before I close this, I'd like to ask you a question or two. Do you think dreams are important? I have been struggling with this for a while. Why would there be so much emphasis on dreams in the Old Testament if they have no importance today? What are your thoughts on this? There is a continuing theme in many of my dreams, and although I've been told by several people that "they are just dreams," I can't help but think they are really something more.

I need a prophet.

sincerely,

dear Z,

2010-11-20T23:44:00.000-08:00

It's weird how much you can text a person while never truly knowing where they are at or what they are doing. Sometimes I wonder if you're in class when we play our game, or if she's around when I text you about her, or if I've woken you up to say something irrelevant. Letters are a lot like text messages in that sense. I don't know when you'll read this or where you will be. Maybe you won't read it. Maybe you will and then you'll crawl in bed to sleep.

***

I've been thinking a lot about Christianity and Christians lately. Nothing new there. I guess what I've been thinking about is the important part. A week or so ago I was at dinner with some friends and some new acquaintances, one of whom was very opinionated. He seemed to have a lot to say about his views on life and Jesus and all that. I'm not going to go into all of the specifics of what he said and whether I think he was right or wrong, but there is one thing he said that I couldn't get off my mind for a few days until it clicked.

What he said was basically this: Jesus did it, so will I.

I've heard this before and thought it really powerful, but I think when he used it to justify himself, that's when I started to think about it. Sure Jesus hung out with sinners, and we should too; sure Jesus drank wine, so are we able to. But there's something wrong with the way Christians have been using this turn of phrase. I'm not going to get into the idea that we're not Jesus, making this way of thinking completely invalid. I actually do believe that we are to strive to be like Christ in all ways and so that's an argument which I won't entertain. But that's just it, "we are to strive to be like Christ in all ways."

I think a lot of Christians have justified drinking or whatever they do with the old "Jesus did it" trick. And that's all fine, if they really mean it and believe that. I've done it. You've probably done it. But the part that makes it hard for me is when I look at other aspects of a person's life and wonder, "Did Jesus do that too?" Did Jesus worry about shopping for new clothes or about putting a new stereo in his car or about going to see the new Harry Potter? Or, looking at my own life, did he play guitar and take photos and flirt with girls? It seems like Jesus only comes into play when it's in our benefit and when what he did is actually something we want to do, but when it comes to things that don't interest us or even scare us (I'll admit it, the things Jesus did freak me out when I think to apply them to my own life) we just pretend they never happened. There seems to be such a dichotomy within our lives. How can I say that I must hang out with sinners because Jesus did when I can also say that I worry about what I'm going to eat each day when Jesus did not? I'm a college student with an apartment while Jesus learned his father's trade and had no place to rest his head. I'm getting the point where I no longer want Jesus to be a justification; I want him to be the reason for everything in my life, or for nothing at all.

It is very hard to put my thoughts to words, but I hope this makes sense. A conversation about this may have been a better choice. Or maybe this will keep you up.

sincerely,

dear Raylen,

2010-09-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a long while since we've had an honest and thorough conversation. It makes me glad to know that you'll still respond to my text messages or Facebook posts, no matter how brief your responses are.

***

How is the weather up there? I hope you've been blessed with weather as beautiful as it is here. It's only September in Texas, but it's already cool outside. When I walked outside yesterday I wasn't really sure where I was, because I would've sworn to anyone there would be an unbearable heat waiting for me. Days like today are the reason I love autumn. It's always been my favorite season. I regret that we didn't get to spend a fall together, at least not in the way that I think we both would have enjoyed. I have fond memories of riding my bike with friends, playing in the leaves, exploring nature. I love to take walks with someone on these days, learning about every facet of their character, or even just walking in silence, knowing that the cool breeze that blows is brushing past both of us. There is something unifying in that.

Spring is always the time when people fall in love, or at least that is the portrayal I've seen. To me, autumn has always been the most romantic time of all. I've started more relationships in autumn than any other season. I think November has been the most consistent starting month. Our relationship was so backward in that sense! Our summery relationship was wonderful though. I'd venture to say you are the only girl I've really dated in summer months.

I'm not sure what it is about the fall that makes me fall in love. It's when things change to a more bare state, and the air gradually gets colder, characteristics commonly associated with death. I'm not weirdly fascinated with death, but I do think there is a certain beauty in dying. It's a necessary process at times, one that will allow a subsequent growth. Everyone must go through it in their proper season. The caterpillar must give up its grounded life to gain wings, the tadpole exchanges it's swimming for hopping. An earthquake or a tidal wave destroys a city, and in its place not only are stronger buildings erected, but so are stronger relationships. Jesus gave his self so that out of his death we might have a life we could only dream of before, and only when I die to myself can Christ live through me.

Outside, that process is in the beginning stages; inside, I'm striving for the same. There are things I need to shed and let go of and leave behind so that I might grow and take hold of what's next, of whatever God has planned for me. May you be able to do the same when your season comes.

sincerely,

to whom it may concern,

2010-09-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

She asked me not to write about her anymore, so if you decide to tell her I did, please apologize for me as well.

Or if it is you, then I am sorry. This is just something I must do to keep from exploding. You understand.

***

There are many things I want to say, most of which I will bite my tongue to keep myself in a (hopefully) good standing, if it was ever good at all. Last night I got the chance to talk to L, just for a few minutes, but what a relief those few minutes brought. I'm fully convinced that I will no longer have that awful feeling in my stomach nor will I hold my breath every time I see her. Or if not, it's at least a step in the right direction. I know full well that anything and everything we said to each other was just simple conversation, and probably mostly her just being nice. I'm not expecting anything to change, not for a long time still. It's just that I expected things to be a lot worse.

Another thing about last night is that it was exactly one week from the day we first met, and this is the first time we've talked since May. Now, in my romantic/ideal world we would have met next week, around nine, in the same place as the first. But a week earlier and in the same building? Close enough. I have this unshakable feeling that God orchestrated this occurrence. Not to tell me that she's going to come around or anything silly like that, because that will never happen, but to tell me that things are going to be fine.

See, I've been stressing a lot since the semester started, what with three studio classes and a job. It's a lot of work! Just having relief in one small area of my life has helped so much. I couldn't sleep last night, and I stayed up mostly just thanking God and praying for my friends to have good things happen to them too. My friend was super stressed about pretty much the same things as me last night, and when I saw him today he looked like a completely different person. All smiles and such. It was good to see the old him again.

One thing I'm learning lately (and I have to thank my good friend Z for this) is that prayer is a huge deal. It sounds so dumb to say. I guess my prayer life has always been a little less than satisfactory. I mean, I thank God all the time, but I never really pray for myself. Now that I look at it, it seems like when I don't pray for myself, I don't really pray for others either. I pray for them, sure, it's just that when I pray for myself it opens up a whole new level of intimacy and honesty, and so when I pray for others that realness carries over. When I do that, I'm not just praying for my friends, but I'm praying to the one and only source of healing and strength for the pain and weakness of my brothers and sisters. I'm sure this is nothing new to you. We all learn lessons at different times, and I guess now was mine to learn this one.

See now, that is the letter I really wanted to write. God is amazing, I tell you!

Next Tuesday you will probably find me in the art building, right outside the gallery, around whatever time I get home from work (ten-ish maybe). I won't be waiting for anyone, but if you want to come talk to me I will not stop you. Bring snacks.

sincerely,

dear M and K,

2010-08-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

It turns out this life isn't as simple as it used to be.

***

You two are the closest I've ever had to having a best friend. I've given several other friends that title throughout the years since we've drifted, but only because I believed somebody had to fill that role. But titles don't change the quality of a friendship, even if they are real.

Do you remember making home movies of us pretend-fighting? I was always the one losing and running away. You two were fearless. Are you still?

Do you remember when I got a phone call from my mother telling me that a friend of mine had died? You guys were there, not to console me with words, but with actions. We played gamecube or something and ate copious amounts of ice cream. Was it that night we burnt a bag of popcorn and it smoked out on the porch for almost an hour? Do you still make your friends laugh to forget their troubles?

Do you remember walking home from middle school to my place, just talking, dreaming, being kids? Life was simple then. We were who we wanted to be, and we planned to grow up the same way. I'm still trying to hold true to that. Are you?

Do you remember high school? Our friendship started out strong at first, but we slowly drifted. We just became different people. No bad blood, no falling out. Just friends who had different lives ahead of them. Where are you now?

I pray that the path each of you has taken has been easier, or at least less complicated than I would consider mine. At the same time, I pray that each of you has learned as much or more than I have along the way. I miss you, what I remember of you. Things won't ever be the same; I don't expect them to be. The only thing we can do is take what we've learned and press forward. But you two would know it better than anyone who has ever known me: though I may lose a friend, I will never, ever let go of them.

sincerely,

dear you,

2010-07-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

Last night I went through some old letters and notes I've kept in a box for years. I've kept them all, or at least as many as I could, all except for two that I know of. I'm a sentimental soul. Nostalgia is a drug to me, but not like the weed "this-feels-so-good" drug. More like the crystal meth "holy-crap-why-do-I-keep-doing-this?" kind. I'm actually not sure if either of those descriptions are accurate, but you probably get my point.

While reading, I began to ask a lot of questions. What kind of person was I? Who have I become? How have I changed? Why?

Why?

Why?

***

It wasn't too long ago that you told me you couldn't wait to get to know me, or that you really wanted to be my friend. Maybe we have different definitions of these things, or maybe I really did change your mind, just like I always said I would. I'm not perfect, I can deal with that. You said things in haste, and looking back now you find it foolish to even think you'd want to know me better. And let's face it, what you meant by that was you liked me and thought I was someone who I wasn't. I gave you fair warning. I didn't pretend to be anyone except for myself. I guess my first impression is just a little too honest, and that must have caught you off guard.

If I may, I'd like to be a little more honest with you. Ruin even any sliver of a chance I might still have with you. Would that be okay? Really, I'm not sure of the best way to say this. I've messed up a lot. I've done a lot of things I'm not so proud of. I've touched girls where I shouldn't have, both physically and emotionally. I've hurt close friends, and I've hurt myself. I'm weak. I grew up without a father, learning from female figures my entire life how to be kind and emotional. When I get the chance to be affectionate I forget how to say no, sometimes to the girl, always to myself.

I know this is a little much for me to tell you, but you have to understand: I'm not ready for another relationship, and I really need help, both to keep me away from them and to one day be ready. I'm afraid that if I don't tell someone this, I will hurt another girl. I will hurt myself again. Do I want to date other girls? Of course I do. Am I ready? Not at all. I'm finding out there is a huge difference between want and readiness. It's hard to admit to someone else, let alone myself. I'm not saying you've got to be the one that saves me (okay, go ahead and sing "Wonderwall" real quick and get it out of your system). This is just something I had to get out there, off my chest.

It feels a little better already.

Not really.

Once I send this to you there's no turning back. You said you wanted to get to know me better. You stopped asking questions, but I'm still giving answers.

sincerely,

dear Gabrielle,

2010-07-01T12:26:00.000-07:00

I miss the days when you could meet someone for the first time, teach them something new, and then drive aimlessly around for hours in the early morning just talking about anything and everything. I've been thinking a lot lately (what's new, right?) and I feel like I have so much internal conflict. I feel guilty of so much. I am guilty of so much. It's so hard to just be who I know I'm meant to be.

There are two things I've written that draw emotion out of me almost every time, a poem and a song. The poem is Breaking Trends, which I wrote in 2005. I may have shown it to you before. It amazes me out how wise I was at that age. I mean, it's obviously not the wisest thing anyone has ever written, but it means a lot to me. The song is burn + dodge, which I started writing Novemberish last year and finished/recorded this year. It's about a girl, but when I listen to it I'm just reminded of the past in general, when things were simpler and innocent. I've met so many people and messed up so many relationships, and this song is a reminder that things weren't always this way. There were days when I didn't treat friends like they weren't good enough, when I showed more respect to my family, when I didn't use women and make them feel like dirt. I wish I could go back, but I can only go forward. Maybe I'll find forgiveness one day, from others, from myself. Or maybe I'll just have to live on despite the guilt I have.

I just want to meet someone, anyone, and drive around aimlessly, talking for hours about anything and everything.

No quote this time. You have a song and a poem instead. Sorry.

sincerely,

to whom it may concern,

2010-06-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

No doubt you've noticed that my letters of late have been addressed to no one in particular. I just can't think of many people to write to. I've come to realize that four of my friends who I felt like I could be completely honest with are no longer my friends, or at least it appears that way for now. I don't know what it is I've done. Well, I guess I know with one of them, but the other three, none of whom know each other, have all ceased to maintain communication with me. Sucks, I know, but I'm not going to dwell on such things for now.

So I've completed my first week of summer school, and it wasn't so bad. I know it's going to get more intense as the weeks progress, but so far, so good. Last Saturday and Sunday I went to Houston for SummerFest (http://www.freepresssummerfest.com/) and it was a stinkin' blast. Too much fun. Unfortunately, I had my first day on Monday, starting at eight am. This means I had a three plus hour drive ahead of me, and THE FLAMING LIPS didn't finish playing till ten pm. I didn't get out of Houston till a little before midnight (had to fill my belly and say bye to friends) and I crawled in bed at three-thirty. I woke up an hour past my alarm, at seven-thirty, just in time to shower and run to class. When I arrived, all the lights were off and there were only five of us in the room, no teacher. We sat there for about thirty minutes before a girl came in and informed us that our class had been canceled because the teacher had a doctor's appointment. Apparently he sent an email and none of us checked before class. Anywho, other than that class has been pretty good. It's nice feeling productive again.

Last night I played my first show in Austin. Thanks to you if you came out, and if you didn't, that's okay too. I had fun, and got to play a lot of new songs I've been working on. My throat has been killing me for the past week (probably from standing in the rain at SummerFest combined with lack of sleep), but somehow it was fine during my set, then it kicked back in worse than before after I finished. Not sure whether to be happy about that or not.

Tonight I've been invited to go stargazing at the Backbone, then tomorrow hopefully going to jam/record with some friends, then Tuesday going to see the wonderful mewithoutYou. Hopefully I can get all my school work done! No class Wednesday through Friday this week, so I guess I can get stuff done those days.

It would be nice to see you again, sometime soon preferably.

From A. Lincoln:

"I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside of me."

sincerely,

to whom it may concern,

2010-05-28T14:49:00.000-07:00

Summer is in full swing, as it were. I struggle to get by during the days, finding random tasks to do around the apartment or errands to run across town. My friends, they are either gone or busy working, or if they are free they are ignoring my existence like the black plague. In the evenings I've been lucky to find people to hang out with, but I don't know how long that will last. I've been watching Avatar: The Last Airbender online, and I checked out the entire second season of Heroes from the library. I tend to watch these sporadically throughout the day and then two or three episodes at night when I should be sleeping. But, then again, why should I be sleeping? I've got no one to see, no job to work, no school to attend.

Don't get me wrong, I'm looking for jobs everyday, putting in applications everywhere I consider suitable. I keep thinking I should go back to Hastings and just ask to work there over the summer, but just before I make it there I convince myself not to. Summer session I will begin in another week and a half, and if I don't have a job by then I'll probably go back to Hastings (if I don't break sooner). Hopefully it won't be too late. Actually...hopefully it won't come to that.

I'm trying to get stuff done artistically, because I know I don't have time for such things while I'm busy with school. I've only done two things though, minus my photography. I need to finish this roll of double exposures actually. Maybe I'll do that after I finish this letter...after I watch another episode of Avatar...

Being alone gives a person lots of thinking time. I wish my thoughts were more productive. I mostly think a lot about the past, about people I miss and things I've done. I wish I could tell you all the things I think about, just so we could share in the memories and the grand scenarios that I make up in my mind, but that would take up a lot of space. If you're in the area or know my number, I wouldn't mind sharing vocally, in a more free-form manner.

By my next letter I hope to be back to my normal self, a little more poetic and tad more productive. Until then I hope this will suffice and wasn't too much of a drag. You've been a great friend (probably).

From Aristotle (why not?):

"For one swallow does not make a summer, nor does one day; and so too one day, or a short time, does not make a man blessed and happy."

sincerely,

dear Gabrielle,

2010-05-12T00:58:00.000-07:00

I know it's not the best idea to write a letter at two thirty in the morning, but I don't have much else to do. You've never really been one for convention, anyway. I'd like to talk sometime, just to catch up, but for now I give you this. I'll keep it short.

It's been a really odd few weeks. I finished the semester last Thursday, and I worked my last day the Friday before. Most of my friends still have finals up till tomorrow, so I've just been chilling and looking for jobs, and hanging out with whoever isn't studying (if anyone). There are a lot of friends I've had to already say goodbye to, and even more that I'll say it to in the following days. When I think about this, it makes me wonder what I could be doing right now if I could return to Brazoria County. I wouldn't be up late in my room on my computer writing a letter to a girl who mutually neglects me. We'd probably be talking at Dunbar right now, waiting for the cops to come send us home. I feel as though I would have more companions there than I do here, but maybe that's a "grass is always greener" situation. My friends here are great, but everyone always has something to do. I'm hoping this summer will change that, although I will have a smaller roster of friends than during the school year.

So yeah, it's been weird not having school or work. I'm just kind of coasting, and it feels nice.

I know you gave your camera to your sister, but I really want you to continue in photography. You're going to regret not sticking with it one day. I was going to ask if you'd seen my photography lately, but I think I'd rather know if you've taken anything recently. Have you? I would sure like to see. And how about drawings, paintings, anything art-related? Poetry, short stories, novellas? You've gotta give me something, here. I know you're a big actor and all now, but that doesn't mean you have to stop doing anything else you're good at.

I let my roommate borrow "No One Belongs Here More Than You," and he gave it back to me the other day (although he didn't ever read it). I'm looking forward to re-reading that this summer. I'm going to think of you the entire time, too. Promise.

Of course, from Ms. July:

"I laughed and said, 'Life is easy.' What I meant was, 'Life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again.'"

sincerely,

dear Jessica V,

2010-04-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

It sucks when you have so much going on in your life and you don't know who to turn to. I can't cling to new friends without scaring them off, and I can't find my old friends anywhere.

I know I sent this to you in a text the other day, but I never received a reply, so maybe telling you this way will be better. I was recently accepted into the university's "literacy" journal, as they call it. I submitted a few pieces, but I haven't been told which will be published yet. I'm pretty excited about that, and there will be an open mic next Sunday for us to read our work. I wish you were here. I need someone to bounce ideas off of, and someone to inspire me as well.

I just spent almost all of my weekend recording music. The new album is going to be the best ever. I was really dreading this album six months ago, but now I'm super stoked. I can't wait for you and the rest of the world to hear it. When will I hear new stuff from you?

There's also some bad news, but that's something I just need to talk to someone about. I don't really want to write it in a letter where I risk getting no reply or comfort. I don't mean for that to be a pressuring statement; I won't be offended if you don't call me or anything. I still love you, and I miss you very much. I hope everything is going well on your end of the world.

From Robert Hall:

"A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide, and whose opinion we can value at once for its justness and its sincerity."

sincerely,

dear Krina,

2010-04-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

This morning at work, I saw a bright red cardinal fly on to the deck outside. I watched it, and a moment later a blue jay flew onto the same deck. I stopped what I was working on to go watch them. They were two very different birds, yet at the same time they had so much in common. Here they were, existing on the same plane without conflict. Inside of myself, I really wanted to believe they were friends, that they could look past their differences and see that they really were the same. It wasn't too long before they flew off in different directions.

There are a lot of things going on in my life, things that I need to talk to someone about. Lots of good, lots of bad. I have no idea where you are, where you've been, why you haven't answered/returned my calls. I miss you, and I miss our friendship. I thought we were close, and I trusted you. For a while I've been upset, angry at times, but now I can see that maybe we never were that close. I only wanted you to be that friend I could turn to, but maybe you never wanted that role, and it wasn't fair for me to put that on you. I've done this to someone else recently too, and it took me a while to realize it, so now it's probably too late for that friendship to work again. I can only hope our friendship won't have to go through the same. I know that you have a lot going on, too, but don't fly in a different direction. Please call me.

Michael Nau (Page France):

"When our eyes close we're the same."

sincerely,

dear Julie H,

2010-04-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

First of all, thank you for reading these things. It means a lot to me.

Yesterday was the TOMS-sponsored "A Day Without Shoes" and this was my second year to participate. I didn't do nearly as much walking this year since I live off campus and ride the bus to class. Last spring semester I lived on campus and walked a whole lot. I liked that people actually asked me about it this year, and that I got to share with them the problem and one of many solutions (TOMS, of course).

It's kinda lame that we were in at least three places at the same time yesterday, but I still didn't get to talk to you. You looked very pretty.

I've been going through a lot lately. It's a lot to explain, and that's not why I wanted to write you this, anywho. I just need a lot of prayer and a lot of guidance. I got about three hours of sleep last night, and I feel too awful to work today. I thought I was being strong, but every time I get my strength built up there is something else that knocks me back down. I need a savior more than ever, right now.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' (Jer. 29.11)"

I don't really know what to do, but I'm trusting in his perfect plan. You don't know how hard it is.

(Listen to the chorus.)

But you do know how great his love is, although we cannot fathom it in full. There isn't time to maintain the regrets we have. Gotta let it go.

(Listen to the end, especially.)

My friend gave me some other verses to read that are helping. Proverbs 4.20-27 and Romans 5.1-5. I feel more confident now, like I can actually get through this. It all seems so trivial in light of the eternal. This too shall pass.

It's going to be a long weekend.

sincerely,

to whom it may concern,

2010-04-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up and felt a new strength. I decided I would fast and pray. "Things are going to change, starting today," I told myself.

When I arrived to my first class, I found out it had been canceled, so I spent the morning reading my Bible, praying, and listening to worship music. I walked down to the post office to drop off a letter, then to the BSM to chill out until my next class. I didn't nearly think of her as much as I have been. Things were starting to change.

I'm trying my best not to lose this strength. There's a portion of my day that I'm intentionally leaving out. Maybe I can forget about it. It seems I mistook this new-felt strength for invincibility. "The bigger the fool, the harder the fall," right? I crashed and burned, and for the past hour I'm not even sure what I've been doing.

Things are going to change though. I'm going to devote the rest of the day to making this a reality, not for you, not for anyone else, but for God and for myself. I hate the way I've been, and no matter how much I want things to revert to how they were, I'd much rather become a better person through this.

Today, things are going to change.

From Jim Rohn:

"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of."

sincerely,

dear L,

2010-03-31T21:10:00.000-07:00

"I don't know if you can hear me
I'm feeling down and can't think clearly
Even though it's complicated
We've got time to start again
I don't know if you can hear me

Some things I'd change but it's too late
I'd take the past and make it straight
Even though it's complicated
We've got time to start again
I don't know if you can hear me

I'm sorry for the things I've said
But some thoughts just won't leave my head
Even though it's complicated
We've got time to start again
I don't know if you can hear me

Even though it's complicated
We've got time to start again
I don't know if you can hear me"

sincerely,

(and teenage fanclub/death cab)

dear Josh,

2010-03-30T13:15:00.000-07:00

I really wish you could have made it down for the wedding. It was great, not only to see A and P get married, but also seeing the old group again. It was a 427 reunion, sans you. We had a lot of fun talking and reminiscing. I think what I liked most about it was that we didn't recount so many old memories, but we just hung out like nothing had ever changed. I would even say it was helpful, to just be with old friends in an old, yet different, way.

I ended up staying in LJ that night because we were at the wedding for so long (and because we hung around to talk for a while after that). I got up at 7am and drove back home, and it was a beautiful Sunday morning for driving. I stopped several times to take photos and pick flowers. I picked bluebonnets, illegally.

Life is good when you can escape for a while; and God always is, regardless.

From Kierkegaard:

"If I am capable of grasping God objectively, I do not believe, but precisely because I cannot do this I must believe."

sincerely,

to whom it may concern,

2010-03-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

My life has been pretty uneventful lately. I've fallen back into an old habit of staying up later than necessary. I was becoming so responsible too. I'm not sure why things have changed. Maybe the time change/spring break. That's probably it.

Earlier tonight I went to see "Alone, Alone", which is a modern dance ballet put to music by the band Hill Ma. My friend Brandon is in the band, and I haven't seen him in years. We've kept up, and I always try to go see his shows, but this is the first time it's actually happened. I'm so glad I went; it was quite the experience.

Tomorrow I'm going to try and work on projects early, then I'm heading to LJ for a wedding of two of my close friends. It's exciting, of course, but I don't really want to drive there and back. Normally I wouldn't mind, but being alone is just not something I want this weekend, and I also need to work on projects and don't want to wait till Sunday to do them. Oh well, such is life.

Currently I'm listening to a loop of layered guitar parts I recorded about three hours ago. It's been playing that long, and I'm beyond sleepy. I made it so I could sleep to it, and then I ended up staying awake. And now I'm writing you this. I'll write more when I'm awake and when there is actually something worth writing about. Stay positive.

From Thoreau:

"When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe."

sincerely,

dear sister,

2010-03-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry I wasn't up for ice cream on Thursday. Truth is, I would've loved to get ice cream in the beautiful weather that has yet again left us. I just wasn't having that great of a day. Things are better now, I guess. More on that later. Maybe.

So this weekend was pretty rad. I worked almost all day Friday, but got off in time to head to SXSW and see a few bands. I got to see Before...There Was Rosalyn, a Christian hardcore band from Houston. I played a few shows with them back in LJ, and now they're signed to a major label. It's crazy awesome. Then after them this band Shapes Stars Make played. They're a really chill shoegaze band from Dallas. My friend Anna knows them and showed them to me once, and I'm glad I got to see them. After that I met up with good ole A, who was already in Austin at another show, and we went to another place and saw a band called Still Life Still, but we didn't stay long. They were good, we were just both getting tired and we planned on getting up early the next day.

When we got back we looked at a list of all the bands we wanted to see, then mapped out our day. We went to bed around two or three, then left at 10.30am. Our friends J and G came with us (which is why we left at 10.30am and not 10am, because you girls take forever to get ready). We thought the first band we were going to see played at noon, but they didn't play until 1pm, and the line was abnormally long. It went all the way around Emo's and further. But luckily I know the band, so if we didn't get in they said they could get us in somehow. Oh yeah, the band is Zlam Dunk, and they are really fun guys. Unfortunately two of the bands we wanted to see (La Dispute and Cymbals Eat Guitars) played across the street at the same time, when we thought they were playing on the same stage. Oh well, maybe another time.

After that we went to Cozzoli's Pizza for lunch and then went to see Dosh, which was quite an experience. Dosh is two guys (originally just Martin Dosh, but now someone else plays with him) and they just have lots of loops. Martin plays drums and keys and the other guy plays bass and sax and keys. It was really cool, except they had a short set, so they only played three songs, and between the second and third song one of his chords got messed up, so they didn't even finish the last song. Did I mention it was really cold and windy? We were outside for most of the bands we saw.

Next we saw This Will Destroy You, another band from here. We had planned on going to see another band at this time, but a friend was texting me and informed me there was not an RSVP list like we had read. They're an instrumental band, which as you know I love. They made a lot of static-y noise between songs though, and that was kind of annoying. As soon as they finished we tried to get to Dominican Joe (a coffee shop) to see Tyler Jordan, whom you might remember from LJ, but we got there as soon as he finished. It was sad. I was trying to surprise him, which I guess I still did. There were some neat bands that played after him too. We stayed for a bit because it was warm. There was a band that played a sort of metal music, but it was violin, upright bass, and drums. Then there was an old southern Gospel type band, but they were all really young. I enjoyed them. Then there was a girl named Bearkat who plays guitar and ukulele and has a beautiful voice.

Around sevenish we made the long, cold trek to Mellow Johnny's (Lance Armstrong's bike shop) to see our last show of the day. Thing is, the band we wanted to see (Minus the Bear) didn't play till midnight, and we went early to ensure we got in. There were some good bands there too. One AM Radio was neat, and there was also a band from Scotland called Codeine Velvet Club. Good stuff. Minus the Bear was really good too. I wish I could have actually seen them though; there was a big speaker in my way. Anyway, when that was over we of course went home. I don't think I was up very long before I passed out.

While we were waiting for MTB, I was texting a friend asking if she was going to come to the show, and I was considering asking L too. I know she has them on her iPod, so I thought she might be interested. But I decided I didn't really want to see her...but accidentally sent it anyway. I told her I didn't mean to send it to her, which is technically the truth. When she texted me back, well, I don't know why, but I decided to strike up conversation. I'd been sort of avoiding her, and I just wanted to see how she was. It was a good short conversation, but I really couldn't tell if she was just talking to me because it was the nice thing to do or what, because it's hard to tell those kinds of things through text. Then the last thing she sent me included a smiley face, which was all I needed.

See, when I think of L smiling, I will always think of this time when we were at Jones. It was after we broke up, and I had made her upset and so she decided to just leave. I really didn't want that so I ran to her and hugged her and apologized and asked her to stay. It seemed like that's what she really wanted, because she was smiling so big for the longest time after that. It's bittersweet really. I think that's the happiest I ever made her, and also the happiest I can ever make her. Just thinking of her smiling is enough sometimes; enough to make me happy, enough to make me sad. I hope that soon I'll get over her, but I really don't want to ever forget that moment, the moment I finally did something right.

Can you believe Amy and Phil are getting married next weekend? I keep forgetting I have to drive down there Saturday. Wow. Looking forward to it though, except I have no idea what to wear.

Let's get ice cream soon.

From Mother Teresa:

"Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."

sincerely,

dear Josh,

2010-03-16T15:45:00.000-07:00

You don't know how much I miss hanging out with you. Every time someone smokes or even mentions smoking hookah it reminds me of you. Same with cigars, and to a lesser extent tortillas. We don't have a whole lot in common, but I know we can both use some encouragement right now. Maybe we can just hate on the female species as a whole together? At least for a second.

First things first, here's what she said to me the other day--

On second-thought, I'm not going to write about this. Josh, we can't let these women get in our heads. We gotta stick together, trust in God, and just move on.

South By has officially begun, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to go to many shows, but I'm hoping I'll at least see a few. One band I really want to see is La Dispute. I just found them a week ago, but I'm completely...I don't even know what word to use. Captivated? Maybe. They are really good. Think early mwY, and some people have also said Circle Takes the Square. I can see that; very emotional yet heavy. What have you been listening to lately? I hope you're still writing. Me and my roommate A are planning on starting an instrumental project. We're going to start writing some stuff tonight. I'll keep you updated on that.

I really want to come visit in the summer, but I also need to take summer classes and work like crazy. I'll find a way to do it, if I can get enough money saved up.

Today I leave you with a quote of questions to ask/answer yourself. May it remind you of what you may have forgotten.

From Whitman:

"Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?"

sincerely,

dear Krina,

2010-03-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

It's been way too long since we've talked. We should fix this soon, but for now here's an update on my life:

This week was pretty rough, to be honest. It was my spring break, and almost all of my friends were out of town while I stayed here. Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday I worked really long days and went home only to be alone and bored for the evening. Monday it was still cold, so I'm okay that I was inside at work during the day. Tuesday it finally got warm again, and since I was off I hung out with some friends at the river. Again, my evening was on the lame side of things, but the day was good enough for that to be okay. Thursday night I made myself some sesame ginger chicken and rice. It was delicious. I'll make it for you sometime.

So Friday was really the start of my spring break, and I can't even tell you how unexpected it was. I woke up early and worked out, then drove to Austin to take pictures, some self-portraits and whatnot. I took some on the top of this neat cliff where you can look out and see the skyline, and then some at Zilker Park, which is just a really fun park. After that I drove back home and took a short, unplanned nap. I woke up to a text inviting me to a baseball game, which was fun to watch. I don't usually enjoy baseball games unless I know people playing, but it was fun nonetheless. During the game I received a call from my friend K inviting me to hang out with some girls from Indiana.

(So here's the story behind that: my friends K and H took a road trip to New Orleans earlier in the week. While they were there they met three girls who were spring breaking from Indiana, and they bonded really well. They invited them to come to Texas and hang out, so they eventually made their way down and did just that.)

We ended up going to a bar called Riley's, apparently the first bar in Texas since prohibition, and then we went to Showdown. I don't drink (and even if I did I'm currently participating in Forty Days of Water [which is where you make water your only drink for forty days and donate the money you would have spent on other drinks to help build wells]) and I've never been to a bar unless it was to see a band play or to read poetry, so this made the night especially interesting. We also went to a house party which ended almost as soon as we arrived, then we went to get some pizza. We ended up staying out till about three in the morning, and, surprisingly, I wasn't tired at all. It had to have been the nap, or maybe the fact that I didn't do a thing all week.

The next day I hung out with my friend and the Indians (as I like to call them) again; we went to get breakfast tacos, then went to the river. We spent almost all afternoon there. Then we went shopping downtown, then they came over to my apartment to print some stuff out, then we finally separated for a few hours to clean up and get some rest. That night we bid our farewells at a coffee shop, and it was very sad to see them go. There is so much more I could say about their time here, but that's about the gist of it.

Sunday I slept a little too late because of the time change, then K, H, and I went to Austin to the Zilker Park Kite Festival. It was super packed there, and really hot outside. I had a horrible headache the entire time, but it was still fun. I bought a Yo Gabba Gabba diamond kite, and a Terracycle Oreo delta kite (made of actual recycled Oreo wrappers!). The YGG kite flew like a charm, but the Oreo kite was a bit tricky. It got up a couple of times, but then it would suddenly go slack and nose dive. By the way, being in a field with hundreds of people flying kites is very dangerous. Afterwards K and I went to Whole Foods for lunch, and we also bought ice cream and I got some fig jam, which I'm really excited about trying. When I got home I tried to take a nap, but it just wasn't happening, and my head was still killing me. I played basketball and watched a softball game, and now I'm here writing you this. My weekend has been long, but fulfilling. It definitely made up for the lame week.

So that's all the surface stuff, without all the emotional/spiritual side of my week. That part was actually pretty good, even when I was bored and alone. I'll spare you those details for now though. I hope everything is well with you and yours.

From Clive Staples Lewis:

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."

sincerely,

dear brother,

2010-03-10T23:27:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while since we've really connected. Maybe this will be a step in the right direction.

When I drive to and from work, there's an intersection near the high school that has had a single shoe in the middle of it for about a month now. Every time I see it I just wonder about its story, you know? I wonder where it came from, how just one shoe made it into the middle of an intersection. I wonder why it's still there, why the kid hasn't come back for it, why people just drive by and ignore it. Everyone is probably thinking the same as me, though. They see it and think, "I wonder how long it will be there before someone moves it." I'm kind of hoping for ever.

I'm not sure who else would appreciate this, if you even do.

A few weeks ago I finished The Hobbit, and there's a passage in it that has stuck with me since, and I've been wanting to discuss it. It's when Bilbo is on the raft and his friends (the dwarves) are inside barrels being pushed down the river. Bilbo is invisible, listening to the raftmen talk about the dragon and the legends of the returning dwarf king, and the treasure that will come subsequently. After this, Tolkien writes:

But men remembered little of all that, though some still sang old songs of the dwarf-kings of the Mountain, Thror and Thrain of the race of Durin, and of the coming of the Dragon, and the fall of the lords of Dale. Some sang too that Thror and Thrain would come back one day and gold would flow in rivers, through the mountain-gates, and all that land would be filled with new song and new laughter. But this pleasant legend did not much affect their daily business.

When I read this, I can't help but think that Tolkien wasn't describing some fantasy land's myth and legend. It seems very apparent to me that he was describing man and the "legend" of God. We sing songs about God, talk about the second-coming, believe in the treasures we will one day have...yet somehow we don't let this "much affect [our] daily business." Maybe this is just me and how I read too much into things. Anyway, I hope you appreciate this thought as much as I do.

This week is dragging on really slowly. It's been tough, not because I'm alone, but because I know this is only temporary. See, if I was alone because I was in a new place or because all my friends ditched me or something, well I would do something to change that. The problem is, I know my friends are coming back, so I'm just stuck waiting until they do. Maybe I should treat both situations the same? I don't know, I don't want to make new friends just for a few days and then never talk to them again. Besides, it's only a few more days now. I can do this.

One more day of work, then I'm off for the rest of spring break. I'm hoping to go to the beach this weekend, get some surfing in. I haven't been surfing in two years.

From Tolkien, by way of Gandalf the White:

"I have spoken words of hope. But only of hope. Hope is not victory."

sincerely,

to whom it may concern,

2010-03-06T21:34:00.000-08:00

It's been a cold winter here, but things are warming up at last. It's been so with my heart as well. I hate to bring up such trivial things with you, things that a year from now will mean nothing at all, but in an effort to be as honest as possible I ask that you bear with me.

It seems that no matter what, I can't seem to get her out of my head. First of all, I wake up thinking about her because she's always in my dreams as of late. Today I drove to Jerry's Artarama in Austin to return something for my sister. The last time I went there was with L, and we missed the exit because we were both convinced that it was the next one. As I left there today, I saw a concrete mixer truck with her name written on the back, just spinning around. It's quite an odd name for a concrete business. On my way back home I stopped at my brother's to get her melodica, which she let me borrow and I mistakenly left there. Of course that is now a constant reminder, sitting in my room staring at me until she returns from her vacation and I can give it back to her. Then there is the fact that no matter how many text messages I don't send her, her name still shows up in my "recently messaged" list. (I'm not sure what this list is actually called, but it's there every time I send a new text.)

On to more important things. Before we go any further, however, let me say that I know this is a really heavy first letter. I apologize for that and hope you will understand and not give up on me.

I've been worried a bit lately. The other night while I was doing some grocery shopping, I had a sudden wave of anxiety hit me. I had a basket full of food and other items (most of which I could certainly defend as necessities), but all of a sudden I just wanted to leave, with or without these things. This has happened to me before, and I just blamed it on me being ready to leave after taking an hour to shop. The reason this time got me worried is because of my mother. She's been in and out of a slight depression for a while now, and a few weeks ago she told me how she would go shopping and all of a sudden just feel like she needed to leave, and would put everything back and just go. When I remembered this, I began to wonder if this was my fate as well, if this was part of the depression that was so destructive in her life and if said depression was genetic. Do you know much about depression? Maybe there is something you know that will help me with this. I'm determined to not become a victim to something so silly (no offense to anyone who suffers from depression).

It's wonderful to be writing you this late. I am on my spring break from school, and I have no assignments to work on, so I'm staying up late again (at least for the weekend). Old habits die hard, right? The weather, as I said, is warming up. I wore shorts today, shorts and a tie-dye v-neck (which my friend Z made for me). I'm hoping to go surfing around the end of this week. I started reading Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie. I think it's wonderful so far, in a very quirky way. It seems like he pulled things out of nowhere and just force fit them, but in the same way it seems so honest, so unaffected. He had quite an imagination. The book also includes Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens, the book that introduces Peter, which I am looking forward to reading.

A lot of my friends are gone this week, it being spring break. You may be gone as well. I've opted to stay in town, in order to work and save money by not going on a trip. It's going to be a tough week if I have to spend it alone, but I think I have enough friends who are still in town who can keep me company.

I'm trying to be optimistic about the future, and about life in general. The other night I took upon myself a mantra, "esta noche será mia". With this in mind, I worked up the courage to talk to L, just to tell her how I felt about things. In hindsight, I feel really silly about telling her, but at the same time it made me feel better. So today, I leave you with this quote by Emerson:

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."

sincerely,