to whom it may concern,

She asked me not to write about her anymore, so if you decide to tell her I did, please apologize for me as well.

Or if it is you, then I am sorry.  This is just something I must do to keep from exploding.  You understand.

***

There are many things I want to say, most of which I will bite my tongue to keep myself in a (hopefully) good standing, if it was ever good at all.  Last night I got the chance to talk to L, just for a few minutes, but what a relief those few minutes brought.  I'm fully convinced that I will no longer have that awful feeling in my stomach nor will I hold my breath every time I see her.  Or if not, it's at least a step in the right direction.  I know full well that anything and everything we said to each other was just simple conversation, and probably mostly her just being nice.  I'm not expecting anything to change, not for a long time still.  It's just that I expected things to be a lot worse.

Another thing about last night is that it was exactly one week from the day we first met, and this is the first time we've talked since May.  Now, in my romantic/ideal world we would have met next week, around nine, in the same place as the first.  But a week earlier and in the same building?  Close enough.  I have this unshakable feeling that God orchestrated this occurrence.  Not to tell me that she's going to come around or anything silly like that, because that will never happen, but to tell me that things are going to be fine.

See, I've been stressing a lot since the semester started, what with three studio classes and a job.  It's a lot of work!  Just having relief in one small area of my life has helped so much.  I couldn't sleep last night, and I stayed up mostly just thanking God and praying for my friends to have good things happen to them too.  My friend was super stressed about pretty much the same things as me last night, and when I saw him today he looked like a completely different person.  All smiles and such.  It was good to see the old him again.

One thing I'm learning lately (and I have to thank my good friend Z for this) is that prayer is a huge deal.  It sounds so dumb to say.  I guess my prayer life has always been a little less than satisfactory.  I mean, I thank God all the time, but I never really pray for myself.  Now that I look at it, it seems like when I don't pray for myself, I don't really pray for others either.  I pray for them, sure, it's just that when I pray for myself it opens up a whole new level of intimacy and honesty, and so when I pray for others that realness carries over.  When I do that, I'm not just praying for my friends, but I'm praying to the one and only source of healing and strength for the pain and weakness of my brothers and sisters.  I'm sure this is nothing new to you.  We all learn lessons at different times, and I guess now was mine to learn this one.

See now, that is the letter I really wanted to write.  God is amazing, I tell you!



Next Tuesday you will probably find me in the art building, right outside the gallery, around whatever time I get home from work (ten-ish maybe).  I won't be waiting for anyone, but if you want to come talk to me I will not stop you.  Bring snacks.

sincerely,

vm