***
I really hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. This is something that has set up camp in my jungle mind more than once in the past few years. It's not always easy to think about, but then sometimes it is, and that's what scares me. That it makes sense. That I could do it easily and without conviction. Couldn't I?
Here's what I'm thinking: after college, I want to move away from here, leave my friends and my life, everyone and everything I know, and start over fresh. Anathallo. To begin, to renew, to grow again.
Sometimes I believe that I need to start over. I've done things in my past that I'm not proud of, and then there are the things that still haunt me today. Is it possible to leave those things behind? And then I wonder about you, about all of my friends. I think that if our friendship was really worth something that you would seek me out, but then again, that doesn't even happen now. If you don't care enough now, why would you care when I'm a hundred or more miles away? For too long I've been a man who finds purpose in having friends, and it's been tougher than it sounds. I'm the guy who is friends with everyone, so maybe that deters you from calling to hang out because you think I have plans. I'm tired of being lonely. If I can get away and re-grow, maybe I'll learn to embrace being alone (and maybe even single) and I'll never be lonely again.
Granted, I haven't been as lonely recently as usual. This blog has been fueled more by my recent bouts with anxiety than loneliness. I wonder if starting over would help the anxiety or make it worse.
The truth is I could never leave you. Not without regrets anyway, and I guess as long as I have my regrets, I will always have my past. I wish this could end on a better note, like "I would never leave you" or "why would I ever want to leave you?" but sometimes life just isn't like that. It's not that I don't like you, it's that I don't like myself so much right now. You understand.
Sometimes I believe that I need to start over. I've done things in my past that I'm not proud of, and then there are the things that still haunt me today. Is it possible to leave those things behind? And then I wonder about you, about all of my friends. I think that if our friendship was really worth something that you would seek me out, but then again, that doesn't even happen now. If you don't care enough now, why would you care when I'm a hundred or more miles away? For too long I've been a man who finds purpose in having friends, and it's been tougher than it sounds. I'm the guy who is friends with everyone, so maybe that deters you from calling to hang out because you think I have plans. I'm tired of being lonely. If I can get away and re-grow, maybe I'll learn to embrace being alone (and maybe even single) and I'll never be lonely again.
Granted, I haven't been as lonely recently as usual. This blog has been fueled more by my recent bouts with anxiety than loneliness. I wonder if starting over would help the anxiety or make it worse.
The truth is I could never leave you. Not without regrets anyway, and I guess as long as I have my regrets, I will always have my past. I wish this could end on a better note, like "I would never leave you" or "why would I ever want to leave you?" but sometimes life just isn't like that. It's not that I don't like you, it's that I don't like myself so much right now. You understand.
sincerely,
vm
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dear vm,