While it may be too soon to tell...okay, it is definitely too early to tell, but anyway...I think this "having a real bed" thing is going to be good for me in more ways than just physically. I've already begun to realize that sleeping on a pull out couch (or the couch not-pulled-out, or the floor many nights) and trying to maintain my room-as-an-office atmosphere was contributing to and reinforcing a feeling of impermanence. I created this idea in myself that my time here was temporary, not just in this apartment, but in my life.* Ironically, I will be moving out in less than two months, so I haven't let myself start feeling permanent just yet. The truth is that the way I've been dealing with school and relationships with new and old friends alike and especially my spirituality has been very selfish and unfair. I've been constantly looking forward to "what's next" and not devoted time or energy to what is here, now, right in front of me. I'm sure you can agree with this much, and in no way did I mean for this to be some kind of excuse/apology letter, but I hope you can forgive me all the same.
I don't believe that this temporal feeling stemmed from simply sleeping on a couch-bed. As I said, I believe it reinforced the feeling. I think the original reason for it has to do with many of my fears from the previous year, most of which came from losing a few important friends and spending much of my summer alone. In all honesty, I think I wanted things to be impermanent. I couldn't stand that the things I wanted to keep forever didn't last and that there was nothing I could do about it, so I began treating everything as if it would be here for only a minute and gone in another. I didn't let myself get attached. Unfortunately, I think it cost me a lot of potentially great friendships. I think it has also kept me from really getting a routine down, especially one that includes time for praying and reading the Bible. I haven't built a solid relationship with a local church either, convincing myself that I don't have time. As simple and cliché as it is, the phrase "carpe diem" is one that I should have taken to heart a lot sooner. Or maybe "carpe dium" is a better one. Ha. Either way, I know that I have not lived enough in this past year. I have been too willing to let things get away, just as they inevitably will. I've given up fighting and just began watching, waiting, hoping that good things would just happen but not striving to look for them or caring when they never did.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is this is my letter of resignation to the way I've been living and my official declaration to rejoin the fight. Maybe it's a little too late, but I'm going to seize the rest of my days here for what they're worth. I'm going to miss the crap out of my friends when they leave for a weekend. I'm going to hold onto their ankles while they try to walk out of my life and cry when they shake me loose and shut the door. I'm going to take risks, maybe take a girl on a date, kiss her, and not apologize for it. Then I'll go home and pray or read the Bible or just watch an episode of Happy Endings without ever touching my stupid phone. I'll turn the danged thing off when I go to the river. I will go to the river. I'll take off my shirt at the river, and maybe even jump in despite my extreme dislike of cold water. I will realize that all good things don't just happen on their own, that I need to get out there and make them happen. I will accept the fact that I am going to lose people for whatever reason and that I may only be in this place for a little while longer without letting it dictate my life and the way I live, or maybe let it influence me to embrace what I have while it lasts. I will love you. I will love myself. I will love my life, day by ever-loving day.
sincerely,
vm
*This should not be confused with the "I'm just passing through" mindset one might have as a Christian looking forward to heaven. That attitude has shaped my life in different ways than I have intended in this letter.
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dear vm,