Since graduation I have been working a retail job in my old college town, while I moved fifteen minutes north to live in a small, nowhere town. I live in a large and lonely house. I used to search for jobs every day. This recently became less of a habit when I started substitute teaching. Now I am working two jobs. I am also trying to freelance design, which is sort of another job. I say sort of because it adds to my work load, but not to my bank account. I have been designing things for friends, which means for free. I do not take photos as much as I used to. I have been in and out of a serious relationship. I have met new people. I have lost contact with old friends and I complain about it often, but mostly because I am afraid of reconnecting with them. I am scared that they will realize that I am the one who left, scared to admit that I was wrong, scared that it will never be the same as it used to be. I have written two songs about this. I have performed both songs live. I have played one of them in my room until I cried. I gave up chocolate and non-water beverages for Lent. Today I had a banana mocha frappe. I began praying daily. I got a hamster, who is still nameless. I just call him bro. Or buddy. I have gone whole days without human contact, and I have gone whole minutes feeling extremely blessed to share them with amazing people. I have had more anxiety attacks than ever. I have explored areas I've never been before and revisited old beloved ones. I have played lots of basketball and eaten lots of strawberries.
I just want people to know that I am not perfect. I want them to know that they are loved, by someone somewhere. I want you to know that you will be hurt and held, bruised and believed in, left alone and loved again. Yes, I want you to know that is how life is. I want my friends to never give up, or to try again and again. I want everyone to be good to everyone else and to find truth for themselves.
Really, I do not know what I am doing.
sincerely,
vm
I feel much the same.
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