to whom it may concern,

Let's get this out of the way:  I am not good at letting go.

It is no secret that throughout the past few years people have been walking out of my life.  Friends have been moving on and giving up and letting go one after another.  I used to be, and in many cases still am, hurt by their leaving.  But maybe it is a necessary part of life.  Maybe it must happen.  It is soon to be fall, the season in which trees lose their leaves only to subsequently endure cold weather bare.  But eventually, new leaves grow to replace the old ones.  Is that how our lives are to be?  Are we trees going through seasons?  Can any of us hope to be evergreen?

No, I guess not.  The truth is that sometimes we push people away to the point where they have no other option.  Maybe we look too much at the way they are hurting us, rather than the way we are hurting them.  Often times, by our lack of care, we are the ones who let go first.

Regardless, I want to say that being on the other end of that situation is equally as difficult.  Sometimes you get to a point where you just can't take being hurt anymore.  You realize that, even if it may hurt that person, you have to walk away.  Sometimes without saying anything.

I know none of this makes sense.  Not to most of you anyway.  I just don't know of any other way to say it.

I'm sorry.  I love you.

sincerely,
vm

to whom it may concern,

Happy new year, or whatever!

It turns out that the less time you waste complaining about your life on the internet, the more time you have to actually do something about it.  This is something I realized sometime in December and have begun to live out, and not as some sort of new year's resolution or anything, just as a new way to live my life.  I've skipped writing one or two of these here letters since then.  And to tell you the truth, as much as I don't want to admit it, the times I want to write the letters are when I feel crappy and under-appreciated.  But when I look at my life, I really enjoy it.

I mean, some of the best things are happening right now.  I met a beautiful woman who makes me very happy.  I have an abundance of time to spend alone.  I've got a car to drive and a smartphone to use and a parent who pays my cell phone bill and a family who loves me.  I've got a bed to sleep in and a five bedroom house that I currently reside in alone most of the time.  I live with my best friend, and even though he plays drums for the wrong band, I still love him.  My camera still works, my computer still works, my pens and pencils still work, my brain still works.  I have books to read, lots of books, and I read slowly so I will have them to read for the next couple years.  After a few weeks of this positive thinking, I bought a new guitar, the exact guitar I wanted, for half the list price, and now that is something to think positively about.  I've got friends who may not be around but care enough to wish me happy birthday (even a day or two late!).  I am another year older, older, older.

I've still got some issues to work out and there are still things that bum me out, but why should I waste my time telling you when I can get up and make the change myself?  So here's to making change.  Here's to getting up and going outside, or staying home and learning to enjoy it.  Here's to less sad things and more happy things.  Here's to finally understanding that posting things like "so bored, let's hang out" on social networks leads to absolutely zero results in the short run or the long run.

sincerely,

vm

to whom it may concern,

My mind is a wild jungle and there is nothing you can do about it.

***

I really hope you don't take any of this the wrong way.  This is something that has set up camp in my jungle mind more than once in the past few years.  It's not always easy to think about, but then sometimes it is, and that's what scares me.  That it makes sense.  That I could do it easily and without conviction.  Couldn't I?

Here's what I'm thinking:  after college, I want to move away from here, leave my friends and my life, everyone and everything I know, and start over fresh.  Anathallo.  To begin, to renew, to grow again.

Sometimes I believe that I need to start over.  I've done things in my past that I'm not proud of, and then there are the things that still haunt me today.  Is it possible to leave those things behind?  And then I wonder about you, about all of my friends.  I think that if our friendship was really worth something that you would seek me out, but then again, that doesn't even happen now.  If you don't care enough now, why would you care when I'm a hundred or more miles away?  For too long I've been a man who finds purpose in having friends, and it's been tougher than it sounds.  I'm the guy who is friends with everyone, so maybe that deters you from calling to hang out because you think I have plans.  I'm tired of being lonely.  If I can get away and re-grow, maybe I'll learn to embrace being alone (and maybe even single) and I'll never be lonely again.

Granted, I haven't been as lonely recently as usual.  This blog has been fueled more by my recent bouts with anxiety than loneliness.  I wonder if starting over would help the anxiety or make it worse.

The truth is I could never leave you.  Not without regrets anyway, and I guess as long as I have my regrets, I will always have my past.  I wish this could end on a better note, like "I would never leave you" or "why would I ever want to leave you?" but sometimes life just isn't like that.  It's not that I don't like you, it's that I don't like myself so much right now.  You understand.

sincerely,

vm

to whom it may concern,

I promised you that I would be as honest as possible, and it's been over a month since I've written.  Inevitably, this letter will contain the "why's" and "what's".

***

This past semester of college was a particularly tough one, finding me up all night or getting very little sleep for full weeks most of the time.  It definitely stretched me thin and brought me right to the edge, but I endured and would like to think I am better for it.  I pulled out a 3.25 for the semester, which is better than I expected, but also not as good as it could've been.  Also, I am not looking forward to next semester.  15 class hours + project time outside of class + working to pay bills + making time for important things like spiritual life and friends = practically impossible.  We'll see how that goes.

Yes, school has been out for a week and a half or so.  The reason I haven't written yet is because MY LIFE NEVER STOPS.  I have been trying to just relax this break, maybe do nothing when I can, but I've also been keeping busy, because I don't particularly like doing nothing.  As I write this, even, I feel like I should be out doing something instead of writing you.  But I want you to know that you're important and I haven't forgotten about you.

A few things I've been doing:

-finished editing a wedding I shot back in September

-worked on writing/recording music (not much progress there, but a little)

-took photos for my friends' band Tactics

-shopped for gifts

-drove "home" and back for this little thing called Christmas

...along with several other things along the way.  Oh, and I played soccer a few days ago for the first time in a long time.  I haven't been able to work out all semester because, as I've said, I was very busy.  So let me tell you, my legs hurt so bad the past two days, and still today.  And my ribs even hurt.  Not sure why, but they do.

Before I close this, I'd like to ask you a question or two.  Do you think dreams are important?  I have been struggling with this for a while.  Why would there be so much emphasis on dreams in the Old Testament if they have no importance today?  What are your thoughts on this?  There is a continuing theme in many of my dreams, and although I've been told by several people that "they are just dreams," I can't help but think they are really something more.

I need a prophet.

sincerely,

vm

to whom it may concern,

She asked me not to write about her anymore, so if you decide to tell her I did, please apologize for me as well.

Or if it is you, then I am sorry.  This is just something I must do to keep from exploding.  You understand.

***

There are many things I want to say, most of which I will bite my tongue to keep myself in a (hopefully) good standing, if it was ever good at all.  Last night I got the chance to talk to L, just for a few minutes, but what a relief those few minutes brought.  I'm fully convinced that I will no longer have that awful feeling in my stomach nor will I hold my breath every time I see her.  Or if not, it's at least a step in the right direction.  I know full well that anything and everything we said to each other was just simple conversation, and probably mostly her just being nice.  I'm not expecting anything to change, not for a long time still.  It's just that I expected things to be a lot worse.

Another thing about last night is that it was exactly one week from the day we first met, and this is the first time we've talked since May.  Now, in my romantic/ideal world we would have met next week, around nine, in the same place as the first.  But a week earlier and in the same building?  Close enough.  I have this unshakable feeling that God orchestrated this occurrence.  Not to tell me that she's going to come around or anything silly like that, because that will never happen, but to tell me that things are going to be fine.

See, I've been stressing a lot since the semester started, what with three studio classes and a job.  It's a lot of work!  Just having relief in one small area of my life has helped so much.  I couldn't sleep last night, and I stayed up mostly just thanking God and praying for my friends to have good things happen to them too.  My friend was super stressed about pretty much the same things as me last night, and when I saw him today he looked like a completely different person.  All smiles and such.  It was good to see the old him again.

One thing I'm learning lately (and I have to thank my good friend Z for this) is that prayer is a huge deal.  It sounds so dumb to say.  I guess my prayer life has always been a little less than satisfactory.  I mean, I thank God all the time, but I never really pray for myself.  Now that I look at it, it seems like when I don't pray for myself, I don't really pray for others either.  I pray for them, sure, it's just that when I pray for myself it opens up a whole new level of intimacy and honesty, and so when I pray for others that realness carries over.  When I do that, I'm not just praying for my friends, but I'm praying to the one and only source of healing and strength for the pain and weakness of my brothers and sisters.  I'm sure this is nothing new to you.  We all learn lessons at different times, and I guess now was mine to learn this one.

See now, that is the letter I really wanted to write.  God is amazing, I tell you!



Next Tuesday you will probably find me in the art building, right outside the gallery, around whatever time I get home from work (ten-ish maybe).  I won't be waiting for anyone, but if you want to come talk to me I will not stop you.  Bring snacks.

sincerely,

vm

to whom it may concern,

No doubt you've noticed that my letters of late have been addressed to no one in particular.  I just can't think of many people to write to.  I've come to realize that four of my friends who I felt like I could be completely honest with are no longer my friends, or at least it appears that way for now.  I don't know what it is I've done.  Well, I guess I know with one of them, but the other three, none of whom know each other, have all ceased to maintain communication with me.  Sucks, I know, but I'm not going to dwell on such things for now.

So I've completed my first week of summer school, and it wasn't so bad.  I know it's going to get more intense as the weeks progress, but so far, so good.  Last Saturday and Sunday I went to Houston for SummerFest (http://www.freepresssummerfest.com/) and it was a stinkin' blast.  Too much fun.  Unfortunately, I had my first day on Monday, starting at eight am.  This means I had a three plus hour drive ahead of me, and THE FLAMING LIPS didn't finish playing till ten pm.  I didn't get out of Houston till a little before midnight (had to fill my belly and say bye to friends) and I crawled in bed at three-thirty.  I woke up an hour past my alarm, at seven-thirty, just in time to shower and run to class.  When I arrived, all the lights were off and there were only five of us in the room, no teacher.  We sat there for about thirty minutes before a girl came in and informed us that our class had been canceled because the teacher had a doctor's appointment.  Apparently he sent an email and none of us checked before class.  Anywho, other than that class has been pretty good.  It's nice feeling productive again.

Last night I played my first show in Austin.  Thanks to you if you came out, and if you didn't, that's okay too.  I had fun, and got to play a lot of new songs I've been working on.  My throat has been killing me for the past week (probably from standing in the rain at SummerFest combined with lack of sleep), but somehow it was fine during my set, then it kicked back in worse than before after I finished.  Not sure whether to be happy about that or not.

Tonight I've been invited to go stargazing at the Backbone, then tomorrow hopefully going to jam/record with some friends, then Tuesday going to see the wonderful mewithoutYou.  Hopefully I can get all my school work done!  No class Wednesday through Friday this week, so I guess I can get stuff done those days.

It would be nice to see you again, sometime soon preferably.

From A. Lincoln:

"I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside of me."

sincerely,

vm

to whom it may concern,

Summer is in full swing, as it were.  I struggle to get by during the days, finding random tasks to do around the apartment or errands to run across town.  My friends, they are either gone or busy working, or if they are free they are ignoring my existence like the black plague.  In the evenings I've been lucky to find people to hang out with, but I don't know how long that will last.  I've been watching Avatar: The Last Airbender online, and I checked out the entire second season of Heroes from the library.  I tend to watch these sporadically throughout the day and then two or three episodes at night when I should be sleeping.  But, then again, why should I be sleeping?  I've got no one to see, no job to work, no school to attend.

Don't get me wrong, I'm looking for jobs everyday, putting in applications everywhere I consider suitable.  I keep thinking I should go back to Hastings and just ask to work there over the summer, but just before I make it there I convince myself not to.  Summer session I will begin in another week and a half, and if I don't have a job by then I'll probably go back to Hastings (if I don't break sooner).  Hopefully it won't be too late.  Actually...hopefully it won't come to that.

I'm trying to get stuff done artistically, because I know I don't have time for such things while I'm busy with school.  I've only done two things though, minus my photography.  I need to finish this roll of double exposures actually.  Maybe I'll do that after I finish this letter...after I watch another episode of Avatar...

Being alone gives a person lots of thinking time.  I wish my thoughts were more productive.  I mostly think a lot about the past, about people I miss and things I've done.  I wish I could tell you all the things I think about, just so we could share in the memories and the grand scenarios that I make up in my mind, but that would take up a lot of space.  If you're in the area or know my number, I wouldn't mind sharing vocally, in a more free-form manner.

By my next letter I hope to be back to my normal self, a little more poetic and tad more productive.  Until then I hope this will suffice and wasn't too much of a drag.  You've been a great friend (probably).

From Aristotle (why not?):

"For one swallow does not make a summer, nor does one day; and so too one day, or a short time, does not make a man blessed and happy."

sincerely,

vm

to whom it may concern,

Today I woke up and felt a new strength.  I decided I would fast and pray.  "Things are going to change, starting today," I told myself.

When I arrived to my first class, I found out it had been canceled, so I spent the morning reading my Bible, praying, and listening to worship music.  I walked down to the post office to drop off a letter, then to the BSM to chill out until my next class.  I didn't nearly think of her as much as I have been.  Things were starting to change.

I'm trying my best not to lose this strength.  There's a portion of my day that I'm intentionally leaving out.  Maybe I can forget about it.  It seems I mistook this new-felt strength for invincibility.  "The bigger the fool, the harder the fall," right?  I crashed and burned, and for the past hour I'm not even sure what I've been doing.

Things are going to change though.  I'm going to devote the rest of the day to making this a reality, not for you, not for anyone else, but for God and for myself.  I hate the way I've been, and no matter how much I want things to revert to how they were, I'd much rather become a better person through this.

Today, things are going to change.

From Jim Rohn:

"You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of."

sincerely,

vm

to whom it may concern,

My life has been pretty uneventful lately.  I've fallen back into an old habit of staying up later than necessary.  I was becoming so responsible too.  I'm not sure why things have changed.  Maybe the time change/spring break.  That's probably it.

Earlier tonight I went to see "Alone, Alone", which is a modern dance ballet put to music by the band Hill Ma.  My friend Brandon is in the band, and I haven't seen him in years.  We've kept up, and I always try to go see his shows, but this is the first time it's actually happened.  I'm so glad I went; it was quite the experience.

Tomorrow I'm going to try and work on projects early, then I'm heading to LJ for a wedding of two of my close friends.  It's exciting, of course, but I don't really want to drive there and back.  Normally I wouldn't mind, but being alone is just not something I want this weekend, and I also need to work on projects and don't want to wait till Sunday to do them.  Oh well, such is life.

Currently I'm listening to a loop of layered guitar parts I recorded about three hours ago.  It's been playing that long, and I'm beyond sleepy.  I made it so I could sleep to it, and then I ended up staying awake.  And now I'm writing you this.  I'll write more when I'm awake and when there is actually something worth writing about.  Stay positive.

From Thoreau:

"When I hear music, I fear no danger. I am invulnerable. I see no foe."

sincerely,

vm

to whom it may concern,

It's been a cold winter here, but things are warming up at last. It's been so with my heart as well. I hate to bring up such trivial things with you, things that a year from now will mean nothing at all, but in an effort to be as honest as possible I ask that you bear with me.

It seems that no matter what, I can't seem to get her out of my head.  First of all, I wake up thinking about her because she's always in my dreams as of late. Today I drove to Jerry's Artarama in Austin to return something for my sister. The last time I went there was with L, and we missed the exit because we were both convinced that it was the next one. As I left there today, I saw a concrete mixer truck with her name written on the back, just spinning around. It's quite an odd name for a concrete business. On my way back home I stopped at my brother's to get her melodica, which she let me borrow and I mistakenly left there. Of course that is now a constant reminder, sitting in my room staring at me until she returns from her vacation and I can give it back to her. Then there is the fact that no matter how many text messages I don't send her, her name still shows up in my "recently messaged" list. (I'm not sure what this list is actually called, but it's there every time I send a new text.)

On to more important things. Before we go any further, however, let me say that I know this is a really heavy first letter. I apologize for that and hope you will understand and not give up on me.

I've been worried a bit lately. The other night while I was doing some grocery shopping, I had a sudden wave of anxiety hit me. I had a basket full of food and other items (most of which I could certainly defend as necessities), but all of a sudden I just wanted to leave, with or without these things. This has happened to me before, and I just blamed it on me being ready to leave after taking an hour to shop. The reason this time got me worried is because of my mother. She's been in and out of a slight depression for a while now, and a few weeks ago she told me how she would go shopping and all of a sudden just feel like she needed to leave, and would put everything back and just go. When I remembered this, I began to wonder if this was my fate as well, if this was part of the depression that was so destructive in her life and if said depression was genetic. Do you know much about depression? Maybe there is something you know that will help me with this. I'm determined to not become a victim to something so silly (no offense to anyone who suffers from depression).

It's wonderful to be writing you this late. I am on my spring break from school, and I have no assignments to work on, so I'm staying up late again (at least for the weekend). Old habits die hard, right? The weather, as I said, is warming up. I wore shorts today, shorts and a tie-dye v-neck (which my friend Z made for me). I'm hoping to go surfing around the end of this week. I started reading Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie. I think it's wonderful so far, in a very quirky way. It seems like he pulled things out of nowhere and just force fit them, but in the same way it seems so honest, so unaffected. He had quite an imagination. The book also includes Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens, the book that introduces Peter, which I am looking forward to reading.

A lot of my friends are gone this week, it being spring break. You may be gone as well. I've opted to stay in town, in order to work and save money by not going on a trip. It's going to be a tough week if I have to spend it alone, but I think I have enough friends who are still in town who can keep me company.

I'm trying to be optimistic about the future, and about life in general. The other night I took upon myself a mantra, "esta noche será mia". With this in mind, I worked up the courage to talk to L, just to tell her how I felt about things. In hindsight, I feel really silly about telling her, but at the same time it made me feel better. So today, I leave you with this quote by Emerson:

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."

sincerely,

vm