4.09.2012

dear seo,

I really do not know what I am doing.

Since graduation I have been working a retail job in my old college town, while I moved fifteen minutes north to live in a small, nowhere town.  I live in a large and lonely house.  I used to search for jobs every day.  This recently became less of a habit when I started substitute teaching.  Now I am working two jobs.  I am also trying to freelance design, which is sort of another job.  I say sort of because it adds to my work load, but not to my bank account.  I have been designing things for friends, which means for free.  I do not take photos as much as I used to.  I have been in and out of a serious relationship.  I have met new people.  I have lost contact with old friends and I complain about it often, but mostly because I am afraid of reconnecting with them.  I am scared that they will realize that I am the one who left, scared to admit that I was wrong, scared that it will never be the same as it used to be.  I have written two songs about this.  I have performed both songs live.  I have played one of them in my room until I cried.  I gave up chocolate and non-water beverages for Lent.  Today I had a banana mocha frappe.  I began praying daily.  I got a hamster, who is still nameless.  I just call him bro.  Or buddy.  I have gone whole days without human contact, and I have gone whole minutes feeling extremely blessed to share them with amazing people.  I have had more anxiety attacks than ever.  I have explored areas I've never been before and revisited old beloved ones.  I have played lots of basketball and eaten lots of strawberries.

I just want people to know that I am not perfect.  I want them to know that they are loved, by someone somewhere.  I want you to know that you will be hurt and held, bruised and believed in, left alone and loved again.  Yes, I want you to know that is how life is.  I want my friends to never give up, or to try again and again.  I want everyone to be good to everyone else and to find truth for themselves.

Really, I do not know what I am doing.




sincerely,
vm

1 comment:

dear vm,